When I first heard the term ‘death grip’ my first though was Darth Vader’s signature death move when one of his minions had failed him.

Just like everyone of a certain age, Vader was that badass dude that no-one messed with. Some wanted to be all goody two shoes Skywalker but Vader was the man.

Vader was the proper, original gangster.

“You have failed me for the last time Admiral” and then the poor brudda is invisibly choked to death by Vader. Captain Needa was then promoted to Admiral. Later on in the film Admiral Needa has also failed Vader and decides to pop over to apologise and have a cup of tea (as you do the most amoral baddie in the universe). The next we see of Needa is him kissing the floor, courtesy of Vader’s signature move, breathing his last breath as Vader walks over him and says,

“Apology accepted Captain Needa”

Gangster at its very best.

No, in fact the ‘death grip’ in urban mythology refers to the vice like grip given to a poor King by its owner as he is avidly checking the screen for the latest recipe for gumbo shrimp.

“Now make sure each shrimp is generously covered in batter before frying”, the TV cook announces.

Touch of irony there.

This grip can be so airtight that it can lead to the de-sensitising of said king or at worse ‘breakage’. The king is not a muscle, it’s an organ mainly made of tissue with a number of muscles in it, with two cylinders either side that fill with blood.

Attention!

The ‘breakage’ occurs when one of these two cylinders ruptures or a blood vessel bursts. Now multiply this by a number of times a day by a number of times a week. This is something that very few, if any of these ‘need to get out of the house’ dudes realise. It may well be that Mr Covid has also created an atmosphere where it is happening even more frequently.

Erectile dysfunction. Now that’s an unfortunate gangster grip.

This all came about because I am now doing a whole series on sex on my radio show. This is a big thing for the church. There was a chance of the church switchboard being blown up or burnt, down or me hunted down and flogged or forcibly downed in holy water. However, it actually passed very quietly after my first late night show ‘My abusive husband, my faith and my toy’.  I will be doing a show on erectile dysfunction. Whether it be via prostate cancer, diabetes, the death grip or some other illness our journeys may be different, but we end up at the same terminus either passing through or as a long-term traveller.

I asked three guys, that have all had prostate cancer, about their stories. I started off with my story. So after nearly three years this is the best that is going to get for me. The annoying thing is I don’t know exactly what the ‘best’ is as yet. I don’t have any real idea if or how much I need of erectile dysfunction medicine. I can definitely get him moving, albeit a bit slower and requiring more attention but he definitely does something. So, in the meantime I still use the pump a couple of times a week, don’t watch porn and don’t self-mutilate. Anyway, still a lot to be thankful for.

My 1^st guest, Mike, also had his nerve bundles saved (at least one of the two sets of nerve bundles is required for natural erections) but he is currently using Viagra in combination with the injection with intermittent results. The injection comes in 10mg, 20mg and 40mg sizes but the 10mg and 20mg do not work for him. He would like to try the 40mg size but it’s not available in the UK.

We fondly reminisced how one day we were carrying towels on the king and the next day after the operation we couldn’t carry tea towels. We spoke candidly and laughed about our journeys.

My 2^nd guest, went down the radio therapy and hormone treatment route. He was not sure which part of the treatment led to impotence. From the little that I know the radiotherapy will kill the mood and the hormone treatment will neutralise the king. That was my understanding.

My 3^rd guest, Roger, lost both of his nerve bundles. He always knew he would lose one bundle before the operation. It was while he was on the operating table that the surgeon had to get a second opinion and they decided that it was too risky to leave the other nerve bundle in. Roger had tried all of the drugs available and none of them worked. When you get to that point you have to start thinking about what options you have left. The first one is to just accept that you cannot have a natural erection again and hope that your partner is on board with that diagnosis. The second option is to think if you would have an implant (this is where a pair of collapsible water filled cylinders take the place of the natural ones). I spoke about the implant a long time ago and my views on it.

Thankfully for Roger, I thought that there was only one type of injection available in the UK. I was wrong as there are in fact a number of different types. It was one of these lesser known brands that actually worked perfectly for him. I was able to share the name of the injection with Mike and hopefully that will work for him.

If I only help one person with this radio show, then there would be no-one I would rather it was.

No, I’m not going soft.

Finally, just for balance I am trying to include on the show a victim of the ‘death grip’ and someone who has had a penile implant.

‘Cyborg Ellis’ did have a certain appealing ring to it.

King badass of London.

Oh well.